Chapter 206: The Past He Didn’t Know About

Leng Xiyao’s words kept repeating themselves in Ceng Hanyu’s mind as he lay on the bed.

Had I really been too full of myself? Did Selina keep the truth from me because she was afraid that I would leave her, just like Anne said?

Ceng Hanyu felt conflicted and confused. He was at a total loss of what to do. She was the one who lied to me, but why do I feel so bad about it!

Ceng Hanyu hugged the blanket and he felt something at his shoulder when he turned.

He reached out for the item and realized it was a notebook. Under the moonlight, he saw the little girl sitting on a swing on the cover of the notebook, her expression sad and lonely. He was instantly reminded of Selina.

Selina was just like that little girl for the past five years - she did not seem happy at all. Every time he returned and saw her sitting on the wheelchair looking at the garden downstairs, those eyes of hers emanated a hint of sadness.

Ceng Hanyu’s heart hurt at this.

He reached out to switch on the bedside lamp and opened the notebook.

On the first page, the name ‘Selina’ was transliterated and ‘Se Lin Na’ had been written in huge letters. Ceng Hanyu was reminded of the time when he first learnt of Selina’s name and he jokingly commented that ‘Se Lin Na’ was a better version of her name.

She actually remembered even after all these years.

He looked at the date of the diary. It was from five years ago. This meant that she had begun writing in it after she left China.

He felt nervous at the possibility of finding answers in this diary, but he was also scared that those answers were not the ones that he could accept, or ones that he actually wanted. Although anxious, he began to flip through Selina’s diary.

2012, February 14.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and it is the day where my head is at its clearest after waking up.

I took a bullet for Leng Xiyao, and everyone probably felt that I did it for Ceng Hanyu. I know that he would be upset if anything happened to her, but I didn’t do it for him. It was my natural instinct to do so. Within this time, she had already become someone close to me, and no matter what others said, no matter what happens to her, myself and Ceng Hanyu after this, I would still treat her as one of my best friends.

I don’t have many friends, and she was the only one who made me feel like I had a real friend. I still remembered how she spoke up for me when Ceng Hanyu berated me at the bar. She stood up without hesitation, and I was touched by what she did. No one knew how I really felt then.

I don’t regret taking that bullet for her, and I feel bad that I wasn’t able to protect her well. She still ended up getting shot, and she was even pregnant at the time. Fortunately, the heavens were not cruel, and she was able to keep both the baby and her life.

After the three of us left for England, we stayed at my place.

It’s Valentine’s Day today, but I can’t go out. My mind is playing what the doctor said on repeat.

He told me, “Selina, the operation damaged your sciatic nerve, and you might not be able to stand anymore. But there’s no need to fret. You just have to keep attending physiotherapy, and there would be a ten percent chance that you can stand again.”

A ten percent chance is close to nothing.

I never thought I was weak. But today, I feel like an absolute weakling. I cried after returning home. I was so upset. I don’t regret saving the girl, but I can no longer stand. Ceng Hanyu would probably leave me now.

I couldn’t even chase after him when my legs were fine. Now that I can’t walk, how would I be able to make him stay?

Valentine’s Day is bleak...

2012, March 15.

I don’t know if I can be considered lucky.

Ceng Hanyu had been taking care of me all this while. He’s different now. He used to leave me hanging with no rhyme or reason, but now, he visits me everyday. He would come over in the afternoon to take care of me even when there was a helper around. He was worried that the helper wouldn’t do her job well.

I feel blessed all of a sudden. This was the first time since I fell in love with Ceng Hanyu that I experienced the feeling of being loved and taken care of by the very one you loved.

Leng Xiyao's tummy is showing now, and every time I see her, I get reminded of the man she fell in love with.

She insists on having the child even though he isn’t by her side.

She keeps saying that Leng Xiyao is dead, and that Anne is the one who’s alive now, but I know in my heart that she had simply buried all thoughts of that man into the recesses of her own heart.

2012, December 24.

I’ve been to physiotherapy for ten months now, but I don’t seem to see any sort of improvement in my legs. They simply refuse to listen to me. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life.

If I can never stand again, am I still worthy of being with him? My Young Master Yu!

I’m beginning to give up now. Every time Ceng Hanyu takes me to physiotherapy, I keep falling in front of him. I feel really bad about myself every single time it happens. I don’t want to go to physiotherapy anymore. I can’t take it. I can’t stand the way he looks at me in physiotherapy. It feels like he pities me and feels sorry for me. This hurts. It hurts so much that I can’t sleep. I don’t want to see that disappointment in his eyes again. I’ll just let it be.

Oh, Leng Xiyao gave birth to a chubby little baby boy a few days ago. She had changed so much. She is now a lot colder than the Leng Xiyao of the past. She’s going to study jewelry design after giving birth, and I don’t really know what she’s thinking, but I guess everyone has to face some sort of change in their lives.

No one knows how their lives will turn out.

Just like how I’ve never thought that I would be stuck in the wheelchair for the rest of my life.

2013, June 13.

I’m still unable to stand even after a year and a half.

I’m guessing that the ten percent chance that the doctor mentioned would not be happening to me.

Maybe it was because he didn’t want to see me upset anymore, or maybe he was the one in pain every time he saw me go through physiotherapy.

Because when I said I wanted to give up on this for the second time, Ceng Hanyu agreed to my request instantly.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stand beside him in this life.

I would feel very bad about myself every time night came. I didn’t want to give up, but I couldn’t help but feel upset when I saw how he looked at me.

I might as well just give up then, why am I working so hard?

I can tell that Ceng Hanyu had already decided to stay by my side and take care of me if I’m no longer able to stand.

I don’t know if that’s good.

But I know one thing for sure, I can never leave him.

Sometimes, I feel that I’m selfish and inferior. If he knew what went through my mind, would he look down on me?

I should stop thinking so much. I can no longer stand anyway.

2013, October 1.

It’s the national day holiday in China, and there are tons of tourists here. Although I’m sitting in my castle, it seems that I can hear the hustle and bustle of the busy city.

It’s a pity that I can’t stand.

Ceng Hanyu took even greater care of me after I said I wanted to give up on physiotherapy. He would come have breakfast and lunch with me everyday, and I’m beginning to get addicted to this feeling.

I sometimes feel inferior that I’m dragging him down like this, but I feel blessed at other times. It’s lucky that I still have him, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself otherwise.

Though I stopped going to the physiotherapy sessions at the hospital and everyone else thought that I had given up entirely, I still practiced some of the movements every night. No one knew that I had been practicing around the bed with only the cold night keeping me company. I felt a lot better about it without Ceng Hanyu’s gaze.

I guess I still wanted to be able to stand up again.

I don’t know if this would even work...

2014, March 8.

Today is Women’s Day, and I’m feeling very emotional right now. I finally stood up yesterday night.

I feel like I’m dreaming. I couldn’t believe it. It has already been two years, but now, I could finally, finally stand up again.

I wanted to share this with Ceng Hanyu.

I sat at the balcony, bathed in the warmth of the sun as I thought about this.

When I heard the door open, I turned excitedly in my wheelchair, but I saw the girl by Ceng Hanyu’s side. I suddenly felt horrible. It was as if my heart was swallowed by this gloominess.

Ceng Hanyu probably felt responsible for what happened to me, and he probably loved the girl. It was just that the girl had feelings for someone else.

The girl was also his official fiancee. What about me? I’m nothing!

I backed down at that very moment. I didn’t want to share the news with him anymore. Will he continue taking care of me like this if I keep this from him? Will he stay with me forever like that? If so, then I’d rather be selfish, petty and lie to him.

Please forgive me!

2014, December 24.

I can stand up properly now, and I would practice walking in the room every night.

I’ve recovered fully, but I’m worried that he will leave me one day.

But if I don’t tell him, does it mean I’ll have to be in the wheelchair forever?

I’m at a loss. I think I’ve lost myself.

That pride and dignity of mine had made way for this love of mine. I can’t help but ask myself if I really made the right choice?

I don’t know the answer, but I’ll let it be. I’m just a selfish person.

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