TGL Volume 3, Chapter 26 (3)

“There you go.” Ilya stood up and handed me Durandal’s weapon body. With this, there’s no way for him to escape! Err, I mean, there’s no way for him to…, well, escape. Mm. If he ever leaves his weapon body, he’ll be instantly restrained! “If you have to turn off the formation for whatever reason, just twist the bottom of the hilt three times. You turn it back on by turning it the other way.”

“Perfect! Thanks, Ilya!” I have a virility pill, but I haven’t used it on Durandal yet because he hasn’t shown his face. He’s been hiding inside his sword, only sneaking out when I’m asleep, so I can’t feed the pill to him. Gah, if only I didn’t learn how to Soul Scour people, then he wouldn’t’ve been so scared of coming out! It’s the only reason he won’t. And that’s why, I have to set this trap for him once he comes out. Hmph, I’d like to see just how long he can hide inside of his weapon body for.

Ilya sighed. “Did you need anything else?”

“Can you do anything about that gate?” Mm, so that gate’s still up there. I’m not going to enter it, but it insists on staying there. I tried yelling at it, throwing things at it, even shooting it with Ilya’s anti-me cannon, but it doesn’t budge. It follows me around, shining this stupid bright light over my head every moment of every day. It just doesn’t stop! Even when I’m sleeping, it shines through the ceiling somehow! Well, it shines through every building, actually, but it’s especially noticeable when I’m sleeping. Grr. Now I have to constantly have the Path of Slaughter active to ignore the light, or I can’t even go to bed.

“You asked me this yesterday,” Ilya said and sighed. Well, I asked again because she might’ve developed a solution since then. “The easiest way to get rid of the light is to enter the gate, but since you aren’t willing to do that, there isn’t any solution.”

Ah, this is so dumb. It’s like a giant beam of light announcing my location to the world. I tried to sneak up on Ilya for fun, but the light gave me away. I can’t even hide around corners to scare people! …Not like I do that normally. Maybe I should enter the gate…. Ah, I know, tail. I know. If I enter, something very bad is going to happen to me; you don’t have to be so stiff. Mm, but other than this beam of light, life is pretty relaxing. I’m the strongest person on the Immortal Continent, and since I’m the strongest, I get to make all the rules and do whatever I want! …Except the thing I want the most is to make babies with Durandal! Gah! I’m so old, but I don’t even have kids yet! Um, I’m not that old, okay? Mm? I mean, I’m not old at all! But it’s not like I’m getting any younger, so the sooner I have kids, the better. Eh? Why do I want kids when I’m young instead of old? So I can have as many as possible! And it’s not like I’ll stop having kids when I’m old.

“Hey, Lucia.”

“Oh? Softie, what’s up?”

What’s wrong with Softie? She looks … sweaty. Is she sick? No, I know this look! It’s the look Mrs. Wuffletush had when she knocked over a barrel of acorn ale on accident! Ah, I wonder how Mrs. Wuffletush is. I haven’t seen her in a while. Oh, right, Softie. Mm, she looks nervous. “I … have something to tell you.”

…Don’t tell me, is she going to finally admit her feelings for the barkeep? I knew I was a great matchmaker! During these past two months, I’ve been getting them to do as many things as possible together.

“I….” Softie took in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

…Eh? She hasn’t even gotten married yet! “I got it! You want me to help you plan a shotgun wedding with the barkeep! Well, don’t worry! You can leave it all up to Ilya. She’s great at that type of stuff.”

“What? No!” Softie furrowed her brow. Was she scowling? “I’m pregnant, and the baby is yours.”

Uh…, I know people have offered me their firstborn children before while I was beating them up, but I don’t think Softie was one of them. Then she must be…, uh, could it be…? Hmm. “Are you trying to sell your baby to me?” I didn’t order any babies from her! “If you’re strapped for cash, take a loan from Ilya, don’t sell your child!”

“That’s not what I mean by the baby is yours!” Softie took in another deep breath. “You. Are. The. Father.”

“Hang on a second.” Let me check something real quick…. Mm. Nope. Like I thought, I don’t have a p*nis. “Did you hit your head somewhere?”

“No!”

Ack! Is Softie crying!? Why is she crying!?

“Lucia! I ate the virility pill, and because of it, your impurities made me pregnant.” Softie sniffled and wiped her eyes. “The baby inside of me is yours.”

Eh? Can that happen? I’ll ask Ilya.

“Yep. It sounds possible.”

I didn’t even have to ask Ilya before she answered my question. Stop reading my mind! I’ll read yours with Soul Scour if you do it again! Wait a second; so…, I’m the father of Softie’s baby? I’m not even a mother yet! How did I become a father before a mother!?

“Congratulations, Lucia. Congratulations, Softie.”

Stop it, Ilya! You’re not helping right now! Wait. Isn’t this what I wanted? “You’re really pregnant? Because of me?”

Softie nodded and bit her lower lip.

Is it really my kid if I don’t give birth to it…? Wait, no, that happens to fathers all the time. Then it’s really my kid? I’m going to be a father? Err, mother? Err, what would I be, actually? A parent! Yes, I’ll be a parent! Hah, who needs Durandal to have kids when I have Softie!? Eh? Does this mean I have to marry Softie? But I still love Durandal; it’s just that I hate him for ignoring me for so long. But I can’t not take responsibility for Softie’s child if it’s mine…. Ah, this hurts my head. Alright! It’s settled! Durandal will be my husband, and Softie will be my concubine! Ah? What about the barkeep? He snoozed, so he losed! Mm? Will Softie agree? …I’m not sure.

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