TGL Volume 3, Chapter 7 (4)

These bitey little bastards! I knew fish would eat me! Even when I’m out of water, fish are eating me! “You said goldfish didn’t eat people, Durandal!”

“These are slaughter fish.”

“Bastard! Don’t just watch! Help!” While I’m being eaten alive, Durandal’s hiding inside of my sword. Why can’t I hide inside of my hammer? I want to be a weapon spirit too! And these dumb fish are only targeting my tail. Why? “What’s so delicious about my tail, damnit!? Ow, ow, ow! Stop, damn you!”

These dumb fish just keep coming! Tides of Blood sped them up instead of slowed them down. My hammer only kills a dozen at a time, but there’s so many of them, and they bite me every time I swing. My whole tail will be gone by the time I’m done killing them all! What do I do? Run? But these damned things are faster than me! How are they faster than me? They die in one hit, but they’re faster than me! Okay, what would—ow! Grr…. What would Softie do? She would … probably yell for me to help her. Um. “Mrs. Feathers, burn them all!”

“Wait, don’t burn them! How are you going to eat them if you burn them to ashes!?”

“Shut up, Treasure Finder!” I can’t eat them anyway if they eat me first! “Do it, Mrs. Feathers!”

Whoosh.

A gust of hot air blasted towards me. The flames were so hot that they were almost invisible. But the fish dodged them all anyway!? “Breathe fire faster!” The fish are swimming faster than the flames can chase after them! If, if that’s the case, how did the trial expect us to catch ten fish? They’re too fast! But at least I’m safe for now. As long as I sit near Mrs. Feathers’ flames, the fish can’t approach me. Gah, if only Ilya were here, she’d know what to do…. “Treasure Finder! Think of a solution!” If Treasure Finder can’t think of a solution, then what was the point of me kidnapping her? She has to prove her worth now!

“When you consume a slaughter fish, your body is supposed to regenerate a bit and fill with an aura of slaughter. So, every time they bite you, eat one of them. Your regeneration will outpace the damage they inflict.”

“I already heal faster than they can eat me!” That’s right. Even if my arms are cut off, I can grow those back. Losing bits of my tail is nothing.

“…Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, it’s painful when they bite me!” Being eaten is unpleasant! If they want to eat me, they should kill and cook me first!

“I have an idea!” the barkeep shouted. He finally caught up. Did Mrs. Feathers leave him behind when she chased after me? “You can eat an anesthetic!”

An amnesiac? “Why would I eat someone who lost their memory?” I don’t eat people! Only animals. …If a person is half-animal—no! I’m not going to think about that.

“An anesthetic. It’s a pain-numbing medicinal pill,” the barkeep said. “If you eat it, you won’t feel the slaughter fish eating you.”

Ooh. “That sounds pretty useful. Do you have one?” If I don’t feel pain, it won’t matter if the fish bite me. Wait! If I eat one of those anesthetics, and I use a jade slip, won’t I avoid all the pain!? Why didn’t Ilya ever tell me about this wonderful pill? She must’ve known about it, absolutely known about it!

“I don’t have one,” the barkeep said.

Then why did you mention it…? As expected, a miracle drug isn’t obtained that easily.

“But I saw you eat one everyday in the morning after you woke up.”

Eh? The pill I eat in the morning…. “Isn’t that a hangover pill?”

“I’ve told you before, haven’t I?” the barkeep said. “I’m an alchemist. I can easily recognize low-ranked pills by their smell alone. And what you’ve been taking is definitely an anesthetic to numb your hangovers.”

…It turns out I had the miracle drug all along!

“H-hey! If you’re done, can you hurry up and catch the fish?” Treasure Finder asked. Her face was red, and she was sweating. Her hair was damp and clinging to her face, and the gauze I wrapped her in was soaked. “This phoenix is giving off a lot of heat.”

Ah. Mrs. Feathers was still breathing out fire. How does that work? Does she not have to breathe in to breathe out? Anyways, let’s try out this hangover pill and see if it works on fish bites too. Just in case, I’ll eat three. “Alright, Mrs. Feathers, you can stop now.” And smashing the fish with my hammer, it doesn’t work as well as I want it to. With one swing, I only kill a couple. But it takes so much energy to swing. Don’t I have something more useful?

“Is that a net?” Treasure Finder asked. “They might be fish, but unless that net is a divine treasure, there’s no way it’ll keep the slaughter fish in place.”

“I have to try it to know it won’t work!” This is the net I use to catch Durandal when he wants to hide inside his sword! Even he can’t break out of it; there’s no way these fish will! “Here we go! C’mere, you little bitey bastards.”

It, it works! The fish can’t escape! And I don’t feel any pain when they bite me! Now, all I have to do is slam the net into the ground a few times and knock them out with the impact! Once that’s done, I’ll throw them into the pouch that can hold living creatures. I’m a genius! I knew I didn’t need Ilya! “I wonder what they taste like….” Fish can be eaten raw, right? But that’s only for desperate times! “Mrs. Feathers, cook these.” I’ll give a batch to Mrs. Feathers to cook and snack on them while catching the rest. Even though their numbers of going down, they’re not giving up on eating my tail. These dumb fish are no match for me!

Previous Chapter Next Chapter