TGL Volume 3, Chapter 4 (2)

“Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

…What the heck was that? I almost choked on my chocolate! It was so loud that it made my tail tense for a second. Mm. Well, Durandal and I made a deal: I’ll stay inside the prison area and eat chocolate, he’ll deal with everything outside. That includes dealing with whatever made that god-awful noise. The problem is … I’m running out of chocolate. Where’s Ilya when you need her? She’s being a bully and being mean, that’s where! Gah. I hate her. I want to punch something now.

“Miss Lucia, Miss Lucia! Durandal needs your help outside!”

Hmm? That’s one of the prisoners I freed. Didn’t they go outside to help Durandal do whatever it was he was going to do? They were going to fight people. Right. I can punch people if I go outside! “I’m on my way!” To where…? “Where is he?”

“Step outside and you’ll see him fighting a giant rainbow phoenix! It’s impossible to miss!”

“Alright!” I was running out of chocolate, but a phoenix came to replace it! Err, wait a minute. Phoenixes can’t be cooked, I already know that from when I tried to eat Mr. Feathers…. And I can’t eat it anyway if I don’t want to build up impurities. My enthusiasm is wilting already. Mm? I should do it to save Durandal? It doesn’t matter if he dies; he’ll just be out of commission for a while. Ah? That’s odd. I haven’t had the urge to have sex in a while…. Is there something wrong with me? All I want to do is curl up into a ball and—

Slaughter?

—and slaughter. Wait. No, that’s not right. Curl up into a ball and—

Kill?

That’s not right either!

Cut down everything bothersome?

No! …Actually, that one’s not too bad. If everything bothersome is gone, then that means I’ll have all the time in the world to mope around and wallow in self-pity. Right. Let’s get rid of all the bothersome things in the world, starting with the rainbow bird outside. Mm? That’s a big bird…. Durandal’s only as big as its beak! I don’t mind if you kill Durandal, but don’t eat and digest him! He’ll turn into bird poop. Alright, let’s see. Durandal really wants me to use a sword, but … hammer. Durandal’s wishes or … hammer. Look at the phoenix. It’s huge! The sword’s not nearly big enough to do any amount of significant damage to it. Mhm. My only option is to use the hammer.

Okay. Now that that’s decided, I’ll teleport above the phoenix and…. “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”

“Skree!?” The phoenix let out an unpleasant sound and crashed into the ground. Ah. It destroyed a lot of buildings, and a lot of people were crushed. They’re not dead, right? Birds are mostly made of air. That’s how they can fly. If a bird falls on someone, there’s no way they’ll die even if the bird is very big. Mhm. The bird wobbled back and forth, rocking from side to side, but I wasn’t going to let it get up! “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”

“Stop! Stop! That hurts! You barbaric rodent, cease your actions this instant!”

“…Did a bird just speak?” Wait a minute…. I hit it from behind twice and never met its eyes. How did it know it was me hitting it? “Are you psychic? How can you see me?”

The phoenix stopped struggling. “Psychic? What are you talking about? I’m using my divine sense.”

“Divine sense….” What’s that?

“You’re almost an immortal, yet you don’t know what divine sense is?” The phoenix’s head was planted in the ground, but I didn’t have to see its face to know it was making fun of me!

“I know! I know what it is!” That’s right! Even if I don’t have Ilya here with me, I have her necklace of intelligence. I can think things through. Divine. Sense. “You, you use your divineness to sense things…. Right?”

“Pfft. You—”

“Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”

“Skreee!!! You’re right! You’re right! As a beast with a divine bloodline, I have another sense that can be used to locate things!”

That’s better. Ah! I resorted to violence again…. If Ilya found out, then…. Then…. Well, she’s not here! It doesn’t matter. Hmph! Who cares if I resort to violence? I’ll be as violent of a bully as I want! Dumb Ilya, I’ll show you. Hmph, hmph. “Madness Hammer!”

“Why!? I told you the truth!”

“Because I can and I wanted to!” Since I can’t hit Ilya with the hammer because she’ll die, I’ll hit this bird that won’t die. “Madness Hammer! Madness Hammer! Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”

“Skree! Skree! Skree!”

“T-the guardian beast is losing! This can’t be happening!”

“Where are the elders? Why aren’t the elders here!?”

“How long were you in seclusion for? The sect leader and all the elders left on a mission!”

“What were they thinking!? How could they leave the sect undefended like this!?”

“Undefended!? That’s a quasi-immortal guardian phoenix! If the ancestral beast can’t kill the intruder, it wouldn’t matter even if all the elders were here!”

“Quickly, run before she finishes it off. A sect is nothing without its disciples; we have to survive for the sake of the sect.”

A fountain of blood shot out of the phoenix’s beak. I think. Its head was buried in the ground, and blood was just seeping out from around it, but I’m pretty sure it came from its beak. Mm. For some reason, the bird is really sturdy. None of its bones are breaking. Are birds really made of air? Can I break air? I should be able to; I’m just not hitting hard enough! “Hammer—”

“Stop! Stop!”

“—Strike!” Oh? Did I just plant a heart devil in a phoenix? I didn’t know that could happen. I always killed and ate all the beasts before they could develop heart devils…. Mm, well, I don’t want the phoenix to die now. And I’m not sure it would’ve felt right to eat it since it could talk. Wait, no, phoenixes can’t be eaten in the first place unless I want to eat them raw. There should be a cook somewhere in the world capable of making raw phoenix palatable, right? Ilya said there were some people who ate raw fish by using sauces and rice…. They should be able to do the same with raw phoenix. Mhm. Definitely. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

Ah! I thought for too long. The phoenix pulled its head out of the ground since I stopped hitting it. “Please, have mercy. I submit.”

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