267 Help Me
We were the only ones left in this dark space.
“Was it worth it?” I asked.
“What’s worth it?” She was surprised by my sudden question.
I continued calmly, “Was it worth it to give up so much just for a boy who appeared in your dreams? Was it worth it that you destroyed your perfect life for this?”
She looked like she was about to cry. She gazed at me helplessly as she shot the question back at me. “How about you, Li Shen? Is it worth it?”
I didn’t expect for her to do that, but I should have thought of this, shouldn’t I?
Yes, Li Shen. How about you? Is it worth it?
Are you posing a question to her or are you actually asking yourself?
“For me, there’s nothing worthy or not worthy. I’m different from you. You came here because you loved him. But me, I destroyed him.” Gaoqin Jiuye appeared in my head as I spoke.
I had let Gaoqin Jiuye down even though it was him instead of Gao Qi I was in love with.
Piercer shook her head, her eyes filled with sorrowful resolution. “You arrived here because of the same reason. I wanted to be with him, and you aren’t able to let go of that guilt because you loved him. You aren’t able to forgive yourself. This means that you haven’t forgotten about him.”
I wanted to laugh at this. I wanted to laugh so hard at it, but I didn’t.
I answered calmly, as if nothing in this world could put me down. “But the funny thing is, I don’t even remember him. I’m not even able to tell who’s the one.”
“Is that important?” Piercer asked.
“How is that not important?”
“To me, that isn’t important. What’s important is who you love now. Have you let your current feelings down?
“Li Shen, let the past be in the past. Since you’re not able to recall who was in your heart, why not just give up on it?”
“Aren’t I a joke?” Feeling a little tired, I sat on the floor in the darkness, facing her.
“You’re not a joke. You might not be able to see that you’re not the one at fault here. This happened because of your feelings for Nie Zun. As long as you love Nie Zun, you won’t be able to recall how you used to love another.
“Have you thought about the possibility that no one else is actually responsible for this amnesia of yours? That it might not have anything to do with the fact that you arrived in the Split Zone even? It might simply be because you aren’t willing to forgive yourself. Because of that, your subconscious refuses to let you recall those memories.”
I frowned. “You mean it’s my subconscious mind that’s preventing me from remembering the past?”
“Yes. Think about it. You didn’t hurt your head, and your body is fine too. No matter how your consciousness crumbles and where it brings you to, the secrets buried deep in your heart can never be changed. Nobody else can take whatever’s in your mind and in your heart, including your feelings.
“This amnesia might be caused by your subconscious mind. It’s a habit that you’ve gotten used to, and habits die hard. The selective amnesia can mislead you into thinking that you’ve really lost those memories, when you actually haven’t.”
I wanted to argue with Piercer immediately after hearing her opinion, but I asked myself a question before I said anything. Li Shen, are you sure you didn’t cause this amnesia yourself?
Why was I afraid to admit that it was the truth?
“Are memories that important, Li Shen? You aren’t willing to recall them, but you’re trying to look into the past while you’re in love with Nie Zun at the same time. There isn’t any past or any future in your head. You aren’t even there. Who exactly are you?”
A sense of frustration overwhelmed me, but I didn’t want to throw my temper here.
I knew that I was frustrated at myself. Was I stupid? To the point that I missed all of this? But if I wasn’t stupid, wouldn’t that mean that I was someone who loved lying to myself?
“Ask yourself, Li Shen, how many times have you lied to yourself? Is loving Nie Zun a lie as well?”
I was angered by what she said. “No, it’s a fact that I love Nie Zun. I’m not lying to anyone, including myself.”
I then realized how ridiculous I was as I caught my reflection in her eyes.
Love is ugly. It will devour all rationality and lead to a fall from grace.
Dropping my hands beside me, I felt drained.
Piercer caressed my face with a gentle hand. There was a chill left in the wake of her touch. I felt uncomfortable at this because it reminded me of someone else.
I thought I wouldn’t see her again without my heart.
Shouldn’t I be happy that I could finally break free? Why did I think of her suddenly? Why is this happening?
“You definitely love him. He’s the only one who can trigger you and make you act without any hesitation.” Piercer seemed to sigh as she spoke.
I mumbled, “But, is loving, wrong too…?”
“Yes. Is loving wrong…? I came here willingly because I wanted to look for the love of my life. Am I wrong?” Piercer’s voice turned shrill all of a sudden.
“For my lover who appeared in my dreams, I didn’t mind coming here as a mere body of consciousness to look for him. Am I wrong to do that?” Piercer got more and more agitated as she continued.
But those enraged eyes of hers suddenly turned sad as she grabbed my hand. Almost choking on her words, she said, “Can you help me, Li Shen? I’ve underestimated you in the past. I didn’t see the true you. It’s only recently did I come to realize that you’re the only one in the Split Zone who really had a heart. Can you help me, please? Help me save him?”
She was begging me with her eyes. “You might think that I’m making use of you, but that’s okay. I can become the power that you need. If you want to leave, I’m able to protect you until the very day you leave. If you’re planning to stay in the Split Zone, then I’m willing to stay with you forever. You can take everything from me. I’m begging you to help me save him. I don’t want him to endure all that pain anymore.”
I couldn’t really reconcile this face of grieve with her usual cruel, violent and bloodthirsty one. It felt like she was at her wit’s end and it was a last resort for her to turn to me for help. Even though I can’t even help myself at this point.
I gave her a bitter smile as I said, “I’m definitely willing to help you, but look at me. Do you think I can? It’s been two years now, and I haven’t been able to save a single one of my friends. Instead, many of them ended up sacrificing themselves. Can you trust someone like me?”
She nodded profusely. “You can. You might not know how much potential power you have in you. I believe in you. As long as you’re willing to do it, I’ll give you all the assistance I can. I can even tell you all about the Split Zone, as long as you’re willing to help me save him.”
I knew that a promise like this constituted a debt. I had to pay the price for it if I agreed.
A scene flashed in my mind as I looked into those sorrowful eyes of hers.
Gao Qi was lying in a pool of blood as I sat beside him, holding onto a bloody knife with trembling hands.
Drops of blood dripped continuously from the tip of the knife.
If someone had extended a helping hand to me then, would I not have ended up in this place? I felt her hands trembling as she held mine.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath to calm myself and clear my head. I then took her hand and smiled. “I’m willing to help you as long as you trust me.”
She seemed to be dazed for a moment.
“You don’t trust me?” I asked softly.
She shook her head quickly. “No, no, no. I trust you. It’s just that I didn’t expect for you to agree this quickly.”
I laughed, but it wasn’t a hearty one. “Have you already planned to fight and torture me until you successfully force me to work for you?”
Piercer laughed too. “I’m not that cruel. That cruel side of me is used to induce fear in others. A living weapon has a soul in it, and the soul embodies the weapon. This is why living weapons are so different. It’s because we’re all human, and we’re better than divine creatures at communicating with humans.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”
“I had to get to know you better first. And to be honest, I had never thought of getting anybody’s help in the past. I didn’t think that anyone in the Split Zone could be trusted. Even when you had done so much for Nie Zun, I didn’t believe in you whole-heartedly.
“It was only when you defended your love for him earlier that I saw the sorrow in you. Love sparks sorrow and it sparks pain. It’s not possible to fake that. This is why I believe that you really love him, and it’s definitely worthy to put my trust in someone who’s willing to lose everything for love.”
I smirked. “I’m not the trustworthy one here. It’s Nie Zun. My love for him is built upon all the love he had for me.”
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