Dear Grace, are we compatible?

Dear Grace,

There is this girl that I’m interested in…but she doesn’t live in my country. How do I know whether we are compatible with each other? I’m willing to travel to her.



To A,

You can’t tell you’re compatible with someone until you have spent time with them in real life. There is only so much you can see online. You don’t know her habits or routines. For example: Maybe she doesn’t throw out trash. Maybe she sleeps with her pets. Maybe she has a gambling addiction! There are a lot of things you do not know about a person until you actually spend time together.

Long distance is very difficult because it requires a lot of trust and sacrifices to maintain. Since you’re never/rarely around, how do you know that she isn’t seeing other people behind your back?

The truth is, you don’t. You just have to trust her.

Also, can you imagine spending $1000+ only to see each other for a few days? Realistically, it will not work out in the long term unless one of you is willing to move to each other. This means one of you may have to adapt to an entirely new culture, language, social norms, and etc.

Would you be willing to quit your job and everything you have to start a new life in another country…?

In addition, it is extremely difficult to maintain strong emotions for someone you don’t see very often. If you have never held her hand, never gone on an actual date with her, never even created any memories together (aside from online messaging/video calling), how real is the relationship?

Honestly, I would not pursue a girl or guy from another country. There are success stories, but they are very rare. However, if you really like her and you want to be with her regardless of all the barriers, here are some suggestions I have for you:

  1. Figure out if she is interested. If she doesn’t even want to video chat with you, she is not going to be interested in a long distance relationship. (Note: Don’t ask her the moment you two start chatting. She might freak out. But if you have been talking to each other consistently for a month and she isn’t curious about what you look like at all, or want to verbally speak to you, then she is not romantically interested. She probably just wants to be an internet friend/acquaintance.)

  2. Once you two spend more time online together and you know what she looks like (This is very important. You don’t want to be catfished), figure out what she wants in life. You need to know whether you’re on the same page. Do you guys want the same things? Maybe she doesn’t see this as a long term commitment, but you do? Maybe she wants to have children and be married within the next three years? You need to find out.

  3. If she is interested in you and you both want similar things in life, then you have to figure out when and how often to meet up in real life. Is she going to fly to you? Or will you fly to her? Take turns? How often will you see each other? You have to come to an agreement and both parties have to want to make it work in order for it to last. (NOTE: I would highly advise not to meet up with someone you’ve met online until you’ve known each other for at least 6 months.)

Hope this helps!



Do you guys have any suggestions for A? Leave it in the comments below!

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Note: I will be slowly releasing all of my old Dear Grace posts. I had a bunch on the old site to transfer over.